Hey Kids, Listen Up

September 3rd, 2007

Hey kids. Now that you’re going back to school, remember, don’t do drugs. Exactly what drugs these clean cut, telegenic male models are talking about I have no idea but you can go to “talk to me like a moron dot org” and find out just what drugs it is you’re supposed to avoid.

Maybe it’s that new schizophrenic drug Zyrexa, which causes severe weight gain and the kind of unimaginable side effects only a sadist would endorse. Yet the FDA is all set to go despite caution from some of the drugs critics. But that’s okay. Eli Lilly stands to make another 18 billion or so marketing products that most of us would be leery of ingesting were it not for the convenient unholy alliance most pharmaceuticals now have with Washington power brokers.

Maybe it’s Ritalin. Ever take Ritalin, kids? It makes you focus, although there isn’t an adult or scientist alive today that can tell you how to focus. Think about that. If you “try’ to focus, you cant because all you’re thinking about is “am I focused yet?’ there is no college course on how to pay attention because even though those in authority tell us to pay attention, they never tell us how. You know why? Because there is no way to teach you how to focus or pay attention, but drugs. Ahhhhhhhh there’s the answer. A couple of tabs of Ritalin and you’re all set to roll. Except they take it away from you once you go into puberty. Because once that happens you’re still focused but you also get a rip-roaring buzz like crystal meth. And Ritalin is legal. All you need is a prescription. But count your tabs. Good old TV male model dad might be dipping into your stash for a buzz to get him through the business report he has to present tomorrow.

Take it from me kids. As an adult I was addicted to Ritalin. Psychiatrists gave it to me to counteract the effects of another legal drug I was swallowing, a drug called Prolixin. Prolixin put me down like a racehorse on tranks. Ritalin woke me up by snapping open the window shades and lasering me with a buzz so bright I could drink a quart of scotch and still write my first two novels. What a life. Alcohol and Ritalin. If I hadn’t of lost 56 pounds in the process I might have been writing my way to fame.

You’ll see the commercials, kids. There’ll be a smiling guy in a black t-shirt warning your parents to remind you not to “do drugs”, whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean. Maybe you’ve got joint pain. If you do, you might want to “do” that arthritis drug that knocked off a couple of hundred heart patients before they yanked it from the shelves. Before all the lawsuits were filed. Maybe they’re warning you about that legal drug, or others even more dangerous. But I doubt it.

They’re telling you not to smoke pot, aren’t they? They’re telling you to avoid inhaling the fumes from the flowers of a burning weed that has never killed anybody. That millions of people have smoked and grown since the days humans got up off their knuckles and started planting seeds. So why, kids, is this drug thing so confusing? Why is it okay to make drugs out of chemicals legally, drugs that kill millions of people all over the world with their side effects, but it’s not okay to smoke something that gives you a buzz, makes life a little silly for awhile, and then leaves you alone after the effects have worn off? But I should warn you. It’s my duty as an adult to tell you that you may gain weight from smoking pot. Not because of the chemical side effects altering your body chemistry like Zeprexa does, but because smoking pot enhances the idea of having something yummy to eat. It’s called the munchies.

So kids, now you’ve been warned. It’s a strange world out there. And as you grow older you’ll discover soon enough as I did that it makes no sense at all. No wonder you’re confused. So am I.

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